christophercarrioned:

i. i’ll be fine. i’ll be fine.

ii. i’m sketching the future. my body had become a grave dug out too early on too hard a ground, then an eviction notice, and soon it will be a battlefield, and a war is brewing out even now on the horizon (if not already), but i can paint a picture of how the future would be like and that’s good. i can paint a picture of how the future would be like and it wouldn’t be perfect, wouldn’t turn out to be everything i’ve wanted it to be, but i can see it and i’ll be fine.

iii. i don’t want to be anyone else.

iv. i’m not alone. i thought of all the things i’m going to have to go through in the future, but i no longer see an open tomb, a gaping wound, or a mask. i see people i trust, and that’s enough for me.

v. i made good decisions today and i got out of bed, i laughed today, i laughed today without any remorse and even if i’m losing my ability to write, i’m regaining my courage to live and i’ll be fine.

vi. my best friend asked me if he can help me pick out a new name when the time comes, and i said yes. (i’m no longer making promises i can’t keep, for a future i didn’t have.)

vii. i once read that hope is forgiveness with teeth, but here’s what i’ve forgotten: i’m full of teeth myself. i’ll kiss hope hard on the mouth & i’ll bite my sadness to pieces. here’s what i should have said: not today, not tomorrow, not ever. i’ll be fine.

20/10/15 - A CHRISTENING, Helix M.