gonna cut off all my hair this year

creuxing:

creuxing:

and delete our old conversations so I won’t stay up
pacing all night wondering what a good enough excuse is 
to tell you I miss you if I don’t actually drink or get high
gonna stop drinking coffee and stop watching
tv all day in my bed I’ll spend the time with my friends while I can
before we leave for universities on different continents 
gonna write poems about ghosts or make collages of girls crying in the shower
but I’m not gonna pretend like it means anything anymore
and I am gonna delete my blog or throw out all my nail polish
it doesn’t really make me any prettier just makes it
harder to coordinate outfits 
gonna stop romanticizing summer so that I don’t have to
die every winter I’ll stop spending all that time 
crying in the shower and go sledding or something
I’m gonna spend all year acting like I understand physics
because my mom wants me to go into engineering
and I know I could if I tried hard enough even if I fucking hate it
I’ll get a scholarship and move to Toronto and pretend I don’t miss her
and pretend that I don’t miss my friends on different continents 
and pretend I don’t care about slam poetry and remind myself
I don’t have what it takes to cut myself open on stage
that I’m not gonna bleed all my secrets just to keep a crowd entertained
I’ll stop thinking about south beach and get a job at the only
grocery story in town
gonna use the money to buy so many sweaters that
nobody will ever see my skin again

grew my hair out till it was long enough to hide in, to swallow and
keep I deleted our old conversations even though I had an excuse
cause I started getting high and called you a bunch
but you never picked up so it didn’t matter and I drank so much coffee
my hands will stop shaking approximately never but I stopped using it as
a replacement for meals so that’s what counts and I’m not friends with those
friends anymore even though we all stayed in the same city I actually
don’t think about them ever, haven’t for a while anyways I wrote
a lot of poems and made a lot of collages about girls crying in the shower
 it was fun until people started making them out to mean anything
and I stopped wearing nail polish cause I got happy and I 
almost died last winter from pneumonia but I went to see Teen Suicide anyways and I got into engineering and moved to Toronto and hate it in ways
that will make me rich someday so I can move to south beach not just think about it and my mom is happy 
and my dad is happy even in the hospital, and I have no money
and everyone has seen my skin